Been a while, thank God

I’m just looking back now and I’ve gone a whole 7 months without coming back here because of feeling shitty or anything like that. I’m doing good in case anyone cares, but I’ve been better. It’s life you know.

I’m just a bit concerned that I’ve accidentally alienated everyone I know and that they in turn are afraid to be friends with me, which makes them ignore me and in turn puts that nagging doubt in my mind that no one wants me around. I don’t really take it too personally, I mean I totally understand that I’m not the nicest person to be around, but I’m just not sure what started this situation. Was it me being a grumpy bitch that made everyone forget I exist, or did they just lose interest in me?

Normally this is easily fixed with some conversations and finding something I can talk to people about, but 2 problems have become a little more evident recently that are not so easily overcome.

  1. The conversations I do have with people are brief and many treat me like I’m a talking Gorilla 
  2. The people who do still talk to me normally are more like passing acquaintances rather than good friends and they seem to think I have other, “cooler” friends
  3. Many of these now passing acquaintances WERE good friends and have now lost interest in me
  4. I’m too stubborn/scared to go crawling around desperately trying to build friendships again, mostly because I’m convinced that if people wanted to talk to me they would

Now that I think about it, there are two people who seem to message me for fun. They also talk to about 500 other people and have flourishing social lives, meaning their friendship is either a display of pity or boredom with their other friends. I also find it hard to talk to them because one is really “touchy” and could turn on me at any moment if I so much as breathe towards the wrong person, and the other is a complete energy bunny who I don’t really understand.

Anyway, I might just be having my own pity party here, but I don’t think this is totally crazy.

I mean, when almost 100 people out of your 120 person year level, including all your friends, get invited to a party, you start to wonder why this is the 5th time no one remembered you. It’s worse because then all those ‘friends’ of mine, who know I wasn’t at such and such’s party, start to treat me like a cripple, and in turn avoid me for some selfish guilt or something. It’s as if they’re sitting there thinking “you know, we shouldn’t talk to her because she’ll feel left out when we talk about our lives and all the cool things we do together, so maybe if we just don’t include her, she’ll feel less excluded.”

This seems very dumb compared to all the terrible things my head used to tell me, but I’m told that these friendship things are important? I don’t know, to be perfectly honest I’ve never faced this situation before, mostly because I’ve never had such good friends before. Hard to feel rejected when you don’t belong to begin with.

I’m not gonna lie, having friends is pretty cool, but it wasn’t so bad on my own either, and what with my final year of school and trying to find work and going after my life goals, keeping friends just doesn’t seem like that big of a deal.

until next time.

I was just thinking

I see all these posts about how to think positively and not see the world so terribly and all that ‘don’t-kill-yourself’ stuff and it all makes sense right now. Like if I want to think good things and stay positive, I can quite easily do that and continue on my way. Then I remember who those posts are aimed at, and what I would be thinking if I was still in that state of mind.

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i got 99 posts and now this one ruined it great thanks post count i only get to make this joke once

I love sleep because you go to bed and you realise how terrible the world is and that you’ll probably live a mediocre life in it then as you fall asleep you can pretend you’re dead but then you wake up the next morning and you’re not dead and you live another day and it’s kinda cool ya feel me

I am so tired and I’ve hardly spoken to Sam this week. He had an early exam, I hear it went well. That’s good, I’m glad.
I am so tired.
I need to study for my practice exam on Monday. What am I going to do with my life. I don’t know.

Not again please (?)

I am recognising old warning signs of what could be another ‘episode’ or whatever the professionals call it.

  • The disturbingly morbid dreams that I don’t consider scary or concerning
  • the defeatist and irrational thoughts
  • the paranoia
  • the terror
  • mild and infrequent auditory hallucinations that I am not sure are even happening (paranoia/terror combo)
  • the flattening effect as noted by several people
  • the reluctance to spend time with anyone, though I force myself to
  • the infrequency of time spent with people

Outwardly I appear to be hiding it well, but I know the jig is up when people start noticing anything out of the ordinary. The little hints only seep out of the cracks because I am bursting at the seams. 

Don’t worry yet, I can do this again, I’ll just climb into the mental cottage while the storm blows over.  

Now would be a good time to write.

I always write better like this.

breakinq:


my blog will make you smile ♡

breakinq:

my blog will make you smile ♡

"He is my sunshine, his eyes green jewels that spark when he looks at me. He is my roaring ocean waves and my quiet summer night. He is my dear friend and confidant. I do not want to be his girlfriend or anything as childish as that. I do not desire to purposely pursue him, but I can’t fathom the idea of him being with anyone else."
unknown
keepcalmanddothemacarena:

mine. don’t steal.

keepcalmanddothemacarena:

mine. don’t steal.