Been a while, thank God
I’m just looking back now and I’ve gone a whole 7 months without coming back here because of feeling shitty or anything like that. I’m doing good in case anyone cares, but I’ve been better. It’s life you know.
I’m just a bit concerned that I’ve accidentally alienated everyone I know and that they in turn are afraid to be friends with me, which makes them ignore me and in turn puts that nagging doubt in my mind that no one wants me around. I don’t really take it too personally, I mean I totally understand that I’m not the nicest person to be around, but I’m just not sure what started this situation. Was it me being a grumpy bitch that made everyone forget I exist, or did they just lose interest in me?
Normally this is easily fixed with some conversations and finding something I can talk to people about, but 2 problems have become a little more evident recently that are not so easily overcome.
- The conversations I do have with people are brief and many treat me like I’m a talking Gorilla
- The people who do still talk to me normally are more like passing acquaintances rather than good friends and they seem to think I have other, “cooler” friends
- Many of these now passing acquaintances WERE good friends and have now lost interest in me
- I’m too stubborn/scared to go crawling around desperately trying to build friendships again, mostly because I’m convinced that if people wanted to talk to me they would
Now that I think about it, there are two people who seem to message me for fun. They also talk to about 500 other people and have flourishing social lives, meaning their friendship is either a display of pity or boredom with their other friends. I also find it hard to talk to them because one is really “touchy” and could turn on me at any moment if I so much as breathe towards the wrong person, and the other is a complete energy bunny who I don’t really understand.
Anyway, I might just be having my own pity party here, but I don’t think this is totally crazy.
I mean, when almost 100 people out of your 120 person year level, including all your friends, get invited to a party, you start to wonder why this is the 5th time no one remembered you. It’s worse because then all those ‘friends’ of mine, who know I wasn’t at such and such’s party, start to treat me like a cripple, and in turn avoid me for some selfish guilt or something. It’s as if they’re sitting there thinking “you know, we shouldn’t talk to her because she’ll feel left out when we talk about our lives and all the cool things we do together, so maybe if we just don’t include her, she’ll feel less excluded.”
This seems very dumb compared to all the terrible things my head used to tell me, but I’m told that these friendship things are important? I don’t know, to be perfectly honest I’ve never faced this situation before, mostly because I’ve never had such good friends before. Hard to feel rejected when you don’t belong to begin with.
I’m not gonna lie, having friends is pretty cool, but it wasn’t so bad on my own either, and what with my final year of school and trying to find work and going after my life goals, keeping friends just doesn’t seem like that big of a deal.
until next time.