i got 99 posts and now this one ruined it great thanks post count i only get to make this joke once
I love sleep because you go to bed and you realise how terrible the world is and that you’ll probably live a mediocre life in it then as you fall asleep you can pretend you’re dead but then you wake up the next morning and you’re not dead and you live another day and it’s kinda cool ya feel me
I am so tired and I’ve hardly spoken to Sam this week. He had an early exam, I hear it went well. That’s good, I’m glad.
I am so tired.
I need to study for my practice exam on Monday. What am I going to do with my life. I don’t know.
Not again please (?)
I am recognising old warning signs of what could be another ‘episode’ or whatever the professionals call it.
- The disturbingly morbid dreams that I don’t consider scary or concerning
- the defeatist and irrational thoughts
- the paranoia
- the terror
- mild and infrequent auditory hallucinations that I am not sure are even happening (paranoia/terror combo)
- the flattening effect as noted by several people
- the reluctance to spend time with anyone, though I force myself to
- the infrequency of time spent with people
Outwardly I appear to be hiding it well, but I know the jig is up when people start noticing anything out of the ordinary. The little hints only seep out of the cracks because I am bursting at the seams.
Don’t worry yet, I can do this again, I’ll just climb into the mental cottage while the storm blows over.
Now would be a good time to write.
I always write better like this.
I had this brilliant idea today. I thought it would be fun to see how long I could listen to ‘Terrible Things’ by Mayday Parade before I burst into tears. I think I lasted about 2 minutes.
It’s not like it’s the most tragic or absolutely heartbreaking song ever, but I have strong emotional associations with it. I always lose it on the line 'You'll learn one day, I'll hope and I'll pray, that God, shows you differently'.
It would take too long to explain why that line reduces me to a weeping ball of pathetic. I just can’t deal with it.
Until next time.
Yeah, I think I am in a danger zone, but that’s ok, I can sit here as long as I watch myself.
Ok, but like the title was on about, what is this? I have never ever been so attached to and invested in a single person before. Ever.
It’s that place where I feel what they feel, their pain, their joy, their sadness, their loss, their fear, their dreams, their passions, their love, more than I feel my own emotions. They are always on my mind and I relish the time spent in their company. They trust me and I trust them. I can’t remember, or even imagine what life was like before I knew them. It’s like time began from the moment I met them, there was nothing before it. I don’t think I can picture our futures intertwining, but I don’t want to imagine my life without them.
I care about few people. The people I would die for I can count on one hand. How did this person make it onto that exclusive list?
I don’t know where I am going with this, basically I’m not sure if I love them or I’m just making my chances of going into another episode more likely.
Until next time